Gone forever

How do I write this... my husband is gone.  I am still in shock and denial.  His health wasn't good but he was not in a critical condition.  I will write details down as they happened so that I will not forget.

Tues 18/12:  Hubby had a follow up visit after his radiation.  The MRI scan was clear, no tumour.  Phew!  Good to go until the next MRI scan half a year later.

That night, he had a mild seizure which stopped by itself.  Later on, a more severe one where he asked me to get his emergency medication.  I administered it and the jerking slowed down and stopped.

Sat 22/12 morning:  I was out fetching JE from art class when hubby called that he was having a seizure.  I got home, it didn't look so bad.  I left him a while.  But after some time, I panicked enough to give him the emergency medication.  It didn't work.  I waited a while then gave him another half dose.  Still didn't stop.  Called the ambulance.

Let's get you to the hospital

Followed the ambulance while blaming myself for not giving medication earlier, not calling the ambulance earlier.  

After some hours when hubby woke up, he could only speak gibberish.  Sounded like 'sama sama kala HAISSHHH sama kala HAIHHH' and repeat.  The HAISSH was loud with frustration.  I couldn't even tell what language he was trying to speak and was terrified it was brain damage.  By night-time, although a few real words was there, so was the gibberish.  But I could understand he was telling me to go home first and rest.  I repeated, you want me to go home and rest?  He nodded.

Sun 23/12:  His speech was still unclear but more real words had appeared.  He seemed very tired and kept dozing off.  The ambulance had sent him to the nearest hospital which was a government one - very low nurse to patient ratio.  Some tasks were expected to be DIY by family members.  I had to change his diaper myself after an interminable wait for a nurse.

Restraints on his wrists... he tried to get off the bed 

so I had to call for help

Mon 24/12:  He could make sense already. Phew!  Sounded like he didn't have teeth somehow though.  Also strangely he couldn't sit up even though he could move his arm and leg.  Service continued to be bad.  Hubby noticed leakage on his IV tube and called for a nurse the whole night but none came.

Tue 25/12:  Before this hubby didn't dare eat anything for fear of pooping.  This day, he had to poop.  Apparently family members were expected to change poopy diapers.  Sigh.  Guess that would be me.  Me who hadn't changed diapers since SE was a baby, oh, over a decade ago.   Being an adult, hubby had way more poop.  Every time I wiped, the yellow was still there on the wet wipe.  But finally got the job done. 

The doctor at the Emergency ward discharged him and advised us to send him to UMSC where his records were. She said he was stable, didn't have more seizures but he needed to be in a neuro ward and the one at that hospital was already full.

We got a private ambulance to send (SNJ services, easy to deal with).  Hubby's oxygen levels were low so he was given oxygen in the ambulance.

Off to the next hospital

However when he arrived at UMSC, his doctors were all out of town and he couldn't be admitted.  The only way in was via Emergency.  Finally he was accepted there finally but oh, it felt like going from the frying pan into the fire.  The Emergency waiting area was full of patients.  No food nor water was provided.  No stretcher was available so he was still on the ambulance one at rm100/hour.  He kept saying it was a mistake and I agreed this was a terrible situation.  In hindsight we should have pushed harder to be kept in the government hospital!    But they WERE doing tests on him, coming every so often including to wheel him off somewhere.

Wed 26/12:  Still in Emergency.  They continued to do tests.  The CT scan showed some fluid build-up in the brain.  He contracted lung infection and was started on antibiotics.  Finally at night, he was admitted to the neuro ward.

Zzzzz

Thu 27/12:  A decent place finally.  The doctor came and said if not for the lung infection, she could discharge him already.  The fluid in the brain was possibly normal for hubby after his recent radiation sessions.  A second MRI scan was ordered to make sure.  Hubby strangely still couldn't even sit up by himself.  My mum had a blood test at the hospital and dropped by to see him (I had gone off to buy the new medication he was prescribed).  She later reported that he was better than she expected.

That night, I stayed till 8pm.  It was raining heavily and Grab was difficult to hail.  I finally got one and headed to my apartment, picked up my car and drove to my parents' house.  Just before I reached, at 9.43pm, the hospital called me to return immediately.  Hubby had collapsed and they were doing CPR.  Way before I reached, he was gone.  Time recorded was 9.50pm.