Soft cookies

We did make our usual seaweed crackers for CNY but I completely forgot to take photos.  

I finally out why our cookies were burnt last year... basically the oven thermostat is malfunctioning hence it would just get hotter and hotter.  So didn't bother to bake any CNY cookies this year.

After getting an oven thermometer, we can use the oven by manually turning it on and off.  JE made non-CNY soft cookies to eat.

Go flat y'alls

Pat-a-pat

I'm just happy when she gets off her electronic gadgets.

No celebration

In the recent years, we would wear our CNY clothes and head off to a mall to take photos.  This was a 'no-celebration' year in honour of hubby's passing.  Hmm I checked back, we had a 'no-celebration' year in 2018 due to MIL's passing.  8 years difference... such a short time.  MIL had a good long life whilst hubby's ended way too soon.

We were in 1Utama and checked out the deco.  Nothing too fancy.  I asked the girls to follow the poses other people were doing.

Horse butt at the back hehehe

And some fake plum blossoms

At least some red-red colours in my blog to mark the CNY.

CNY Day2

Hubby's side of the family suggested to continue with our usual CNY gatherings at my place.  I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it - I was drowning in sorrow and prone to uncontrollable crying.  They used to come to visit him and now his chair would be empty.  He used to be the excited one planning the whole night together with our maid - I would almost be a guest who happened to live in the house!

Anyway I decided to proceed.  This would be a small group who would understand if my grief showed.  This same group were also formally in mourning and not allowed to celebrate CNY or visit people, so might as well we are together for this occasion.

Ordered a 'poon choy' from Dragon-i, added on vegetables and omelette, and guest contributed roast pork.

I was now the eldest in the group and merited a seat.  Erm I was planning to change shirt but didn't get round to it.

The people and the food

JE and SE were tasked with entertaining the younger guests.  Not so easy when people gravitate naturally to their electronic gadgets!  At least the girls played with aquabeads and there was one board game session.

My turn

Hmm the poon choy didn't seem to be worth its price of RM338.  Premium ingredients were only prawns, some dried scallops and oyster.  Next time must look for alternatives. 

Liquor was a 25-year aged single malt whisky from hubby's stash - saw a price of RM1640 from the internet.  Heh yes the liquor price overshadowed the food one for sure!  Alcohol was hubby's passion.

Took a picture of the box for record-keeping the next morning...

I'll just eat my breakfast

Overall the night went ok actually.  I plan to continue this gathering in coming years.

CNY Eve

(I must get on with my posts even though this is the saddest CNY)

CNY eve dinner was with my family as per the previous 3 years. 
2023 The first year I'd spent this day with my family since getting married.  I was so happy heh.
2024:  Eventful one as our 2 maids caught covid and then my father.  Eventually managed to celebrate this day, yay.
2025: Normal one. :)

On to 2026 aka now.  Dinner started with yee sang which my mum made from scratch, down to early hunting for a raw-ish papaya to pickle.

Huat huat

Next the steamboat.  Improved the menu based on previous year's experience - less fishballs and more other items!  This time we had added shabu pork, cuttlefish, chicken on stick.

Eat eat chat chat

 

The kids were looking forward to gambling.  My bro prepared the RM3 'seed money' as usual.  SE lost everything haha.

Gamble gamble

If only hubby had been around, this time he could just have conveniently walked upstairs to his room at my parents' place.  Instead of waiting for the night to be over (as for the other years) in order to go home.  

For me, I missed him a lot this night.  Chatted to my aunt about him - it helps me to receive words of understanding/support which I will also think back on.

My sis's family had to go early to the airport and we forgot to take a family photo.

2025 photobook

One thing I had been busy on was our yearly photobook.  For once this was such an emotional task for me.  Hubby was with us 11 months of 2025.  Seeing how healthy hubby looked at the beginning of the year, seeing us as a complete family, in fact just seeing pictures of hubby... I was sobbing my heart out while putting this book together.  

 
Front cover

I'd planned on starting the book with a photo with four of us and end with one of only three, but JE said to put one of four.  So ok, start and end with four.  Hubby was using a tongkat/walking stick after radiotherapy and steroid medication for swelling in the brain. 

Back cover

Finally my job was done and the order sent off.  The physical book arrived - only this time hubby wasn't around as usual to check out the book.  And complain why I selected some pictures of him that weren't flattering haha.  

SE thought there wasn't much point printing this book out.  Well, for me growing up with non-digital cameras, we always had printed photos in albums.  It seemed good to me to have a book to turn over pages and pass around.  ONE book a year is already less than the photoalbums in my parents' cupboard!  I'll probably continue this practice. 

Our rings

At hubby's wake, I was advised to remove jewellery including my wedding ring.  I have worn this ring for 19 years.  I liked how it looked on my finger, the small clunk sound it made when I smack my hand on something hard.  I had a habit of twisting it round and round.  

But I have not put it on since the wake.  For one, I had 'grown in size' and some force was required to pull the ring up past my knuckle.  It would be difficult to get it on and off again.  Mainly though because... I feel that our story - mine and hubby's - has already ended.  How can there be an "OUR story", symbolised by these matching rings, when he is no longer here with me?

Two rings at the start

We never said the word 'LOVE' but I guess we lived it

Hubby kept all kinds of things.  Among his stuff I found this leaflet, which I never even knew existed, from the jewellery shop.  The rings are platinum-plus-gold; hubby liked platinum because it has little resale value.  I don't get it... wouldn't something with high resale value be better?  Haha.  

Ah, ours is the first design

Two rings now at the end

 My plan now is to store them together.  Together as hubby and me once were.

Grief

After our Taiwan trip... there certainly was a lot to do to clear up and settle.  But no, wave after wave of grief struck, relentlessly.  Every time I woke up, I immediately thought of him and how he was no longer in his bed.  Every time I stabilised a while, all too soon I would be hit afresh with the realisation that there was now a void in my life where hubby once was.  After over 20 years of being together, there was nowhere I could find peace from the pain of losing him.  Every location, every object held reminders that he was once there, and that now he is not, and that he never will be there again. 

SE took these pictures of his place at our dinner table.  She said she wanted to remember how it was.

The first chair was hubby's

Snacks and stuff still where he left them

Honestly I was surprised by how unbearable, how unthinkable, how awful losing hubby would feel.  And many times I wonder how I can carry on from here.