Last day of 2025

As this year ends, I am mired in grief.  Since they were born, I have focused on my kids.  Yet hubby had been a constant, steady presence.  Let me for once centre around him and summarise 2025.

Mar - Hubby's surgery to remove the second brain tumour.

Apr - Our helper of 9 years went home to PH and didn't return.  Hubby hadn't completely recovered and couldn't be left alone in our house.  So he came along when we went to my parents' house for the week instead of staying behind at home.  This meant he was spending way more time than before with me, the kids, my parents.  

Jun/Jul/Aug: I drove hubby for 30 sessions of radiotherapy.  Which meant we spent more time together and developing our little routines - chatting whilst in traffic, laughing about the technician wanting to go home when we were a little late and said technician would call asking if he would be going that day, checking to see if a carpark was available, me waiting for him to be done, us going back to my parents' place, eating our late dinner.  He'd often give me a nice shoulder massage later - which I took as gratitude for me taking him to the hospital. :)

Every Friday JE and SE would come too, and we would find a new place for dinner after the sessions. 

Sep: Our trip to Bangkok.   

Nov: Hubby was unexpectedly taken from us.

In hindsight, it was a blessing that my helper didn't return, that hubby needed me to drive him places, that we spent so much time together for 7+ months.  If only he was still around, I'd have rated 2025 as a pretty good year.

Now I am just missing him badly and finding it difficult to look forward to anything.  

Day 4 Dihua old street, Dadaocheng, Shihlin

Woke up at a chill time (didn't have to wake up early this holiday!) and headed to Dihua old street, the oldest street in Taipei.  It wasn't too different from KL old streets, except the much more pleasant temperature.

Walk walk

Buy souvenirs

And a boba tea for the day

Next stop was Cisheng temple.  I'd planned to have lunch at the foodstalls in front except that... all signs were in Chinese!  It was evidently too 'local' for us.  Decided it would be too difficult to figure out how to order, the stall owners would probably not speak English either.  

Take picture since we are here

We walked around for quite some time, tummies hungry, and finally found this 'Dan Zai' noodles we'd seen earlier.  Turned out this meal was one of the best ones of the trip.  The noodles were very small but the fried oysters and cold-cut chicken were delicious.

Hmm not bad

Next we strolled around Dadaocheng wharf.  The weather was rainy as predicted.  Found a 7-11 and relaxed there before heading to Shihlin night market.  Queued for fried chicken first - nice and freshly fried.

 

Hotstar chicken any one?

Without hubby (who hates queues) around, my modus operandi was to join any long queue I saw.  If people are willing to wait, there must be a reason right?  That's how we ended up with grilled king oyster mushrooms.  Picked seaweed and lemon pepper flavours, both of which I disliked.  

Pick your flavour

Also joined the queue for Taiwanese sausage with sticky rice.  To me, it was exactly how those two separate ingredients tasted like, nothing special or unusual.  Picked spicy flavour - scared of weird flavours already after the mushrooms.  My mum later said she remembered this sausage combo was very nice.  Must order the sausage from Shopee for her haha.

 

Got my sausage!

Found Shihlin night market underwhelming actually.  It wasn't that large and there weren't many interesting food options.  Oh well, at least we have been there, done.

Us at Shihlin night market

Day 3 Yehliu, Shifen, Jiufen

We adjusted our itinerary according to the weather.  Since the following days were rainy according to the weather forecast, brought forward this Klook package for Yehliu/Shifen/Jiufen.  Walked over to  Taipei Main Station to start the tour (love staying so near!).  Yehliu was over an hour away.

Arrived at the Geopark

Mummy, we better walk in already

Mummy: Wait take this beautiful view first

Mummy: Wait, another picture first

Err we did run out of time.  The tour allowed only for people to walk in to the Queen's Head, queue there for a photo and then walk back to the bus.  Pity, I like this kind of place and could have spent way more time there.  

Take photo with mushroom rock lah

Take photo with picture of Queen's head lah

On to the next destination, the Shifen waterfalls.  Access was via a swaying suspension bridge. 

To the falls!

Shifen waterfall is behind us

I wasn't keen on Shifen actually, but all the tour packages included it.  Never mind, see more better than see less. :)  The suspension bridge was rather fun.  Next stop was Shifen itself - the kids weren't keen to release lanterns so we didn't bother getting one.  We did go to a railway market in Bangkok recently but the railway tracks here presented a better setting for photos.

  

More time to take photos

Other people releasing lanterns

Ate our pre-ordered snacks - grilled chicken wings stuffed with fried rice (not bad), ice cream in a pancake with coriander (all right) and boba tea.  The rain was coming on though.

While we eat our snacks

And take more photos

Note the dark sky... luckily we made it back to the bus.  And on to the destination I did want - Jiufen.  Such a picturesque place!  Shops were built on a hillside hence the going was steep, but that was made it special.  We had fun exploring the shops.

Take a picture with people behind

Going up to Ah Mei teahouse

A quiet backlane

One more pic before the tour ends

We agreed none of the places covered in this tour would have been suitable for hubby.  Yehliu had uneven ground, the waterfall had the swaying bridge, Shifen had the railway tracks, Jiufen was all steep steps. 

Headed back to Taipei from Jiufen.  The best thing was, the bus stopped right in front of our hotel heh.  Overall, a good day. 

Day 2 Longshan, Bopiliao, Ximending, Christmasland

Started the day with Longshan temple, famed for intricate carvings and detailed woodwork. 

Take a picture first, with Hook 

I guess for us, one temple is rather similar to another.  Some chanting was going on, which reminded me of hubby's wake.  Sigh.  Next we walked over to Bopiliao historical block.  There was a museum which we spent some time in.

Nice to stroll around

From there, it was a short walk to Ximending.  Joined the crowd taking photos with the 'Rainbow Six' symbolising Taipei's support for LGBT. 

We also take photo...

I liked how everything was walking distance in the nice weather!  Next up was the Michelin star Ay-Chung flour-rice noodles.  Fast-moving queue and we got our bowl... not bad, like misua in gravy with bonito flakes and chewy intestines.  Was happy to tick this off our list. 

We got one too!

The next item was rather a long walk, over 20mins.  This queue was not so fast.  Now what are we queuing for...

Another queue

'This' was the Michelin star lu rou fan (braised pork rice) at Yi Jia Zi.  Yep tasted good, worth the queue!  We tried out the lotus bun and madou rice cake too since we were there - my fav was the lu rou fan itself.  Pretty happy at this point to achieve our 'goals'.

Heh scored ourselves some good food

Doubled back to Ximending for JE to spend some money.

One Pop Mart figurine please

And some more, with the Xin Fu Tang boba tea queue conveniently right in front.  Warm boba tasted nice with brown sugar to bite.

Another queue

Got some boba!

For the night, we headed over to Christmasland at Banqiao.  

Getting the Xmas spirit

Presents and lights

These elephants are more for the kids

Many families were out there for the night.  JE got her first tanghulu (candied strawberries) - certainly not the last heh.

Me likes tanghulu

We walked around to catch as much Xmas light as we could find.  Dinner was at Tim Ho Wan while resting our tired feet.

Hook and dimsums

Was quite a good day actually.  

Taiwan Trip 2025

I wish this had been a triumphant trip where hubby made it despite the mishaps.  And would have gladly accepted one where he didn't, but was at home where we could message him with updates.  :(

We reached Taoyuan airport and took the MRT to Taipei Main Station.  The temperature was a comfortable 20C - hubby would have liked it.  The hotel location was very convenient, though the building looked nothing like a residential one.

Outside... err offices?

Inside, fluffy and pink comfort

Lesson learnt for me - must bring toothbrush/paste and coffee next time!  Haha.  We relaxed and checked out Taipei City Mall.  Found the shops small and uninteresting.

Hmff nothing much

We had dinner at this unassuming place with unassuming food.  There seemed to be a steady stream of regulars so business wasn't bad.  The owner was very friendly for sure.  

Can fill stomach lah

Unbeknownst to us, there was a much better section of the station nearby.  Hit convenience stores for breakfast items (we always enjoy doing this), bought toothbrush/paste and retired for the night.

Plans

We had plans for year end.  After our Bangkok trip in September where hubby struggled with walking, I commented we'd better not travel overseas even though I had been planning a Taiwan trip for some time.  Hubby said to go ahead, having the trip would give him the motivation and pressure to get better.  So I made the bookings and hubby began to prepare.  He did his exercises in the room at my parents' house and also walked around the neighbourhood.  My mum was impressed he was able to walk a whole hour.  

When he was in the hospital, I did bring up 'eh, how about Taiwan?'  His reply was if he couldn't go, I take the kids and he would stay behind.  Of course by "couldn't go" we assumed that would mean he wasn't fit enough to go.  It never crossed our mind that he would no longer be in this world.  :( 

As things turned out, even before I myself thought about it, everyone advised us to proceed with our Taiwan trip.  Relatives on his side told me he'd been so looking forward to the trip.

So we decided to go ahead.  Brought along this Captain Hook (which hubby had selected on one of his earlier trips) as hubby's 'representative'.

Packed and ready to go

Before and After

Hubby's first brain tumour was diagnosed in late 2021.  So it now turns out he only had 4 more years after that.  :( 

When I compare hubby's life before the brain tumour and recently, there was a big difference.  Before, he would be out of the house all the time - for work, drinking with friends.  He was fit from regular visits to the gym.  He would challenge younger relatives to doing planks/push-ups/arm-wrestling and he would win!  He loved alcohol and would indulge in quite a lot daily.

After, he was mostly home watching his Chinese serials. He had continued numbness on the right side of the body - the arm, leg, face.  He woke up with back pain and various other pains.  Worst were the seizures which occurred at random times, even though he was on anti-seizure medication.  He brought his emergency chilled medication everywhere in its insulated bag.  He gave up alcohol.  At the end, his face and tummy were bloated from continued use of steroids to control swelling in the brain.  One side of his head was still hairless from the recent radiation sessions.  

Before, hubby was anticipating a long life like both his parents.  After, the picture wasn't rosy.  His second tumour had grown fast, requiring surgery in only 2 years.  The 30 radiation sessions were to to kill off residual tumour cells in the hope of prolonging his time.  Should tumours still regrow, the only recourse was medication to shrink the tumours.  I had worried that his later years might be spent in discomfort and distress. 

I am glad hubby never had to deal with this probability.  That he left behind a body sub-optimal in so many ways.  I have thrown away his 'precious' chilled medication.  And bid good riddance to the rest of the medication he was taking.

Only part of hubby's stock

Shock

Shock numbs pain.  How could this have happened?  Hubby was getting better.  He had eaten decently well for 2 days.  I made him pasta soup that day, he had finished it.  While driving home, I made a note to pack a change of clothes for use when he was discharged.  

Cause of death was a cardiac arrest.  Hubby didn't have a heart problem.  Doc said possibly it was a blood clot caused by the lung infection which travelled to the heart.  Hubby hadn't made it for the scheduled MRI scan the following day.  Whatever it was, no point having a post-mortem.  Hubby was gone.  I only wanted to get through the next few days.  Following that then one day at a time.

Our last 'Family picture'

The wake and funeral have been completed.  But our family is now forever broken.
 

Gone forever

How do I write this... my husband is gone.  I am still in shock and denial.  His health wasn't good but he was not in a critical condition.  I will write details down as they happened so that I will not forget.

Tues 18/11:  Hubby had a follow up visit after his radiation.  The MRI scan was clear, no tumour.  Phew!  Good to go until the next MRI scan half a year later.

That night, he had a mild seizure which stopped by itself.  Later on, a more severe one where he asked me to get his emergency medication.  I administered it and the jerking slowed down and stopped.

Sat 22/11 morning:  I was out fetching JE from art class when hubby called that he was having a seizure.  I got home, it didn't look so bad.  I left him a while.  But after some time, I panicked enough to give him the emergency medication.  It didn't work.  I waited a while then gave him another half dose.  Still didn't stop.  Called the ambulance.

Let's get you to the hospital

Followed the ambulance while blaming myself for not giving medication earlier, not calling the ambulance earlier.  

After some hours when hubby woke up, he could only speak gibberish.  Sounded like 'sama sama kala HAISSHHH sama kala HAIHHH' and repeat.  The 'HAISSH' was loud with frustration.  I couldn't even tell what language he was trying to speak and was terrified it was brain damage.  By night-time, although a few real words were there, so was the gibberish.  But I could understand he was telling me to go home first and rest.  I repeated, you want me to go home and rest?  He nodded.

Sun 23/11:  His speech was still unclear but more real words had appeared.  He seemed very tired and kept dozing off.  The ambulance had sent him to the nearest hospital which was a government one - very low nurse to patient ratio.  Some tasks were expected to be DIY by family members.  I had to change his wet diaper myself after an interminable wait for a nurse.

Restraints on his wrists... he tried to get off the bed 

so I had to call for help

Mon 24/11:  He could make sense already. Phew!  Sounded like he didn't have teeth somehow though.  Also strangely he couldn't sit up even though he could move his right arm and leg.  Service continued to be bad.  Hubby noticed leakage on his IV tube and called for a nurse the whole night but none came.

Tue 25/11:  Before this hubby didn't dare eat anything for fear of pooping.  This day, he had to poop.  Apparently family members were expected to change poopy diapers.  Sigh.  Guess that would be me.  Me who hadn't changed diapers since SE was a baby, oh, over a decade ago.   Being an adult, hubby had way more poop.  Every time I wiped, the yellow was still there on the wet wipe.  But eventually got the job done. 

The doctor at the Emergency ward discharged him and advised us to send him to UMSC where his records were. She said he was stable, didn't have more seizures but he needed to be in a neuro ward and the one at that hospital was already full.

We got a private ambulance to send (SNJ services, easy to deal with).  Hubby's oxygen levels were low so he was given oxygen in the ambulance.

Off to the next hospital

However when he arrived at UMSC, his doctors were all out of town and he couldn't be admitted.  The only way in was via Emergency.  Finally he was accepted there but oh, it felt like going from the frying pan into the fire.  The Emergency waiting area was full of patients.  No food nor water was provided.  No stretcher was available so he was still on the ambulance one (extra charges at rm100/hour).  He kept saying it was a mistake and I agreed this was a terrible situation.  In hindsight we should have pushed to be kept in the government hospital!    But they WERE doing tests on him, coming every so often including to wheel him off somewhere.

Wed 26/11:  Still in Emergency.  They continued to do tests.  The CT scan showed some fluid build-up in the brain.  He contracted lung infection and was started on antibiotics.  He was admitted to the neuro ward at night.

Zzzzz

Thu 27/11:  A decent place finally.  The doctor came and said if not for the lung infection, she could discharge him already.  The fluid in the brain was possibly normal for hubby after his recent radiation sessions.  A second MRI scan was ordered to make sure.  Hubby strangely still couldn't even sit up by himself.  My mum had a blood test at the hospital and dropped by to see him (I had gone off to buy the new medication he was prescribed).  She later reported that he was better than she expected.

That night, I stayed till 8pm.  It was raining heavily and Grab was difficult to hail.  It took time for me to get one, head to my apartment, pack some things, pick up my car and drive to my parents' house.  Just before I reached, at 9.43pm, the hospital called me to return immediately.  Hubby had collapsed and they were doing CPR.  Way before I reached, he was gone.  Time recorded was 9.50pm.